Am I Really That Messed Up?
Question
I am a 30 yr old female who has been living in the dark side of life for a long time. I have always had dark and negative thoughts for most of my life. I have attempted suicide in my very early teens, and for some reason always seem to think the worst case scenario first. If you were to meet me on the street or at work you would consider me to be outgoing, positive, and rather happy. Ive had my share of bad things in life and try to learn and move past them. Unfortunately, thats not what happens.
At my current age I feel that, whatever issue or issues I have, they are starting to affect my life. I have a really hard time trusting anyone and everyone. I’m either super tired or super hyper. I get angry at the drop of a dime. I don’t cry for any reason. It’s like I’m numb. The last time I cried I got so angry that I stayed mad for over a week. Even though I have no desire to take my own life I have thought about it strongly more so now than before.
I’ll get into an argument and 2 minutes into the fight I have no idea why we were fighting. I have had many people through out my life tell me I am probably bipolar or manic depressive. Some have said I acted OCD. Most say im just crazy.
After 20 years of being called crazy I embraced it and wear the title proudly even though i really am not proud of it. I want so desperately to have help or a better understanding of whats going on with me but I can’t afford the help I need.
What should I do? i don’t feel that I am as bad as everyone makes me out to be, but what if I am? I’m just so tired of being alone and put down for emotions I can’t control.
Please help. I’m so very lost.
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Answer
Your friends choice of words is very unfortunate. What does crazy meanA? It’s really meaningless except that it’s insulting. Ny strong suggestion is that you drop the word and ignore those friends when they use it. In fact, even the term “messed up” is really not helpful for yourself. All people have problems and, in fact, it’s been stated that most people have at least one episode of depression during their life times. In other words, it’s not just you.
Some of the behavior you describe might fit into the Bipolar category. Changing moods, anger, getting into arguements and others can indicate this mood disorder.At the very same time, your symptoms could indicate an ADHD disorder. Regardless of the diagnosis you seem to be quite unhappy with your life. In fact, in reading your email, I couldn’t help but wonder to myself if you had been abused when you were younger.
In reality, it’s time to stop trying to make diagnoses and, instead, get some real help. I want to urge you to enter psychotherapy so that you can build a better life than the one you have had over the past twenty years.
I understand that the problem is that you do not have the money for therapy. This might not be true. If you are working and you have insurance, it may provide for psychotherapy for a limited number of session. Some hospitals have free standing clinics that provide psychotherapy at a low cost. A phone call to the hospital can get your questions about help answered. If you are umemployed you might be able to apply for medicaid to help pay for therapy and other health needs. Another alternative is to turn to your local church or religious organization because they also often provide counseling at a very low cost.
You need to speak to people in your community to see what is available to you in terms of counseling and therapy.
Another suggestion is that you speak to your family about funds to help yu get help.
Please don’t assume that you cannot afford therapy. There are the resources mentioned above and others. It’s a matter of doing a search.
Good Luck
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