Inability To Express Myself

If you feel that you are headed for ‘utter destruction’ it would be a good idea to go for some help before that happens. It’s somewhat likely that you’re depressed given what you report here. Depression can be addressed in a number of ways – not all of which involve therapy. You can go to your regular doctor, for instance, and see if she or he will see fit to prescribe anti-depressant medicines for you. Such medicines are safe for the most part, and often do make it easier for depressed people to function. If you can manage it, it would be better still to see a psychiatrist for medicine. A psychiatrist is a specialized doctor who knows the anti-depressant medicines better than regular doctors. You might give therapy a try too, actually. A good therapist can help you to come out of your shell, and there are good therapies out there that don’t require you to take pills to get better. Whichever way you choose is better than what you’re dealing with right now however, so do what will work.

Regarding your feeling that you might be untrue to yourself if you were to feel better. This is a very common way to feel when you are down and depressed. Sometimes it is because you are upset about things that have happened (or things you’ve lost) and you don’t want to be disloyal to those things. Other times it is because you don’t remember ever feeling differently than you do and it seems frightening to think that you could ‘sell out’ to become different. But think about it. It’s not ‘selling out’ to become a more happy person. It’s actually called “growth”, and remaining depressed when you don’t have to is called “stunted growth”. When you’re alive, it is normal and healthy to grow and change, and a sign of disease and trauma to remain where you are for extended periods. Don’t let this mindset of being afraid of change or feeling that it is inauthentic to change stop you from growing into a better, happier you. Instead, seek the help you need to get unstuck.