Finding Meaning in a Parent’s Passing

The process of witnessing a parent’s final days can illuminate truths about identity, relationships, and personal growth. While therapy often provides tools to navigate past conflicts, the experience of losing a parent reveals dimensions of understanding that theoretical frameworks alone cannot fully capture.

The Lasting Influence of a Parent

Many people spend years working toward personal independence, striving to define themselves beyond the influence of their parents. Creating distance from parental expectations can feel like a necessary step in shaping one’s own identity, a way to reclaim autonomy and establish a life free from past judgments. But when a parent reaches the end of their life, the certainty of that separation is often challenged. Their presence leaves an imprint that does not simply fade with time.

This realization is not a sign of regression, but rather an acknowledgment of a deeper truth: those who shape us early in life remain woven into our sense of self. The bond between parent and child is not just psychological; it is a fundamental part of identity, carrying meaning even when marked by conflict. A parent’s perception, whether spoken or left unsaid, continues to hold weight, and their passing can bring both reflection and the unspoken desire for understanding. ^[1]

Words of encouragement:

• Reflect on the role your parent played in shaping you, both positively and negatively.
• Accept that their influence remains, even if your choices differ from their expectations.
• Ask the questions that bring clarity, whether in conversation or personal reflection, before it’s too late.

The Desire for Understanding

For many, long-standing boundaries make open conversations about mutual understanding difficult. Those who have distanced themselves from a parent’s judgment may later realize they don’t actually know how their parent truly saw them. Avoiding these discussions, often as a form of self-protection, can leave important questions unanswered. ^[2]

As the end of life nears, opportunities to have these conversations become fewer. The realization that one may never fully understand a parent’s perspective can bring unexpected reflection. Seeking validation or acknowledgment isn’t necessarily a sign of unresolved personal struggles, it’s a natural part of human connection. We are wired to seek recognition from those who played a formative role in our lives. ^[3]

Truths to consider:

1. Unspoken questions linger – Avoiding difficult conversations may offer protection in the moment but can leave lasting uncertainty.
2. Boundaries come with trade-offs – While they provide emotional safety, they can also limit deeper understanding.
3. The past shapes the present – A parent’s perception, even if unspoken, continues to influence in ways that aren’t always obvious.
4. Time is finite – The chance to seek clarity won’t always be there, making reflection and conversation even more meaningful.
5. Seeking understanding is human – Wanting to be seen and recognized by those who shaped you isn’t a weakness; it’s part of connection and healing.

Seeing a Parent For Who They Are

A meaningful shift in understanding happens when a parent is seen not just as “Mom” or “Dad,” but as a whole person with a life that began long before their role as a caregiver. Their values, beliefs, and choices were shaped by their own experiences, often years before they had children. These core principles influenced how they parented, rather than being created by the act of parenting itself.

This perspective allows for a deeper, more compassionate view. A parent’s influence isn’t just about meeting a child’s needs; it is shaped by their own aspirations, responsibilities, and personal history. Their decisions may not always align with what a child hoped for, but they were often made in alignment with what they understood to be right at the time.

When we step back and see a parent’s life as a whole we gain a more complete, human understanding. Their worth isn’t defined solely by how they parented but by the entirety of their journey, the values they lived by, and the impact they had on the world around them.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” – Ian MacLaren

For those watching a parent face illness or the end of life, this shift in perspective can bring comfort. It reminds us that love doesn’t require perfection; only the willingness to see, accept, and appreciate the life they lived, however imperfectly.

Reconciling Conflict with Respect

Therapy often encourages people to examine childhood experiences through the lens of personal needs, focusing on times when those needs were not met. ^[4] While this can support self-awareness, it may also oversimplify relationships. Expecting a parent to have prioritized a child’s emotional well-being above all else overlooks the many responsibilities, challenges, and commitments that shape an adult life.

This perspective doesn’t mean dismissing parental shortcomings. Instead, it invites a more balanced understanding; one that allows personal grievances to exist alongside the recognition of a parent’s broader contributions. Acknowledging this complexity doesn’t erase pain, but it can open the door to a deeper sense of understanding and, ultimately, respect.

Healthy ways to move forward:

1. Shift Perspective – Try to see your parent as a whole person, not just in relation to you. Consider the factors that shaped their decisions.
2. Acknowledge Both Pain and Goodness – It’s possible to recognize the harm a parent may have caused while still appreciating their positive qualities.
3. Let Go of the Need for Resolution – Some conflicts may never be fully reconciled, and that’s okay. Understanding doesn’t require agreement.
4. Seek Meaning Over Blame – Instead of focusing on what a parent did wrong, consider what their actions reveal about their values and experiences.
5. Embrace Compassion – Extending compassion to a parent, even if from a distance, can provide peace—not for them, but for you.

Accepting Unresolved Differences

Not all conflicts can be resolved, and not all need to be. The idea that every family tension must be worked through for closure is an oversimplification. A parent can have lived an admirable life while also causing their child pain. Likewise, a child’s pursuit of independence may have led to misunderstandings or hurt feelings for the parent.

What matters most is the ability to hold both truths at once: recognizing the impact of unresolved differences while also appreciating the life that was lived.

Ways to accept unresolved differences:

1. Let Go of the Expectation for Resolution – Some tensions will never be fully reconciled, and that’s okay. Closure isn’t always about agreement.
2. Acknowledge the Full Picture – A parent’s shortcomings don’t erase their achievements, just as their virtues don’t erase the pain they may have caused.
3. Find Peace in Understanding, Not Validation – Your perspective and experiences are valid, even if they were never acknowledged by the parent.
4. Respect Their Journey as Their Own – Their choices, shaped by their own past and beliefs, were never solely about you.
5. Allow Room for Compassion – Even if forgiveness isn’t possible, choosing understanding over resentment can bring personal peace.

Finding Meaning in a Parent’s Passing

Coming to terms with a parent’s life is not just a psychological process; it’s a moral one. Just as we seek understanding and respect for our own choices, the same must be extended to them. Their decisions, shaped by their own experiences and values, may not have always aligned with our expectations, but that does not diminish the significance of their journey. True reconciliation does not require agreement on every aspect of their life. Instead, it calls for a broader perspective, one that acknowledges both their strengths and shortcomings while allowing love and respect to exist alongside unresolved tensions. In this understanding, there is room for both acceptance and peace.

One way to find meaning in a parent’s passing is to honor their life in a way that feels true to you. This might mean continuing a tradition they valued, sharing their stories with future generations, or simply taking a moment to reflect on the ways they shaped your life. Meaning is not always found in resolution but in how we choose to carry forward the lessons, memories, and values that remain.

Navigating Mental Health

Losing a parent, or preparing for their passing, is an emotional weight unlike any other. Whether the relationship was close or complicated, losing a parent calls for self-care. Acknowledging emotions, seeking support, and allowing space to process can offer clarity and lighten the weight of a parent’s passing. ^[5]

Finding meaning does not follow a set path, nor does healing happen overnight. But small, intentional acts of self-care provide steadiness in uncertain times.

Ways to support your mental health:

• Acknowledge Your Emotions – Allow yourself to feel sadness, frustration, or even relief without guilt. No emotion is wrong.
• Seek Comfort in Connection – Share your thoughts with a trusted friend, therapist, or support group. You don’t have to carry this alone.
• Prioritize Rest and Routine – Sleep, nourishment, and movement are simple but powerful ways to support emotional balance.
• Create Space for Reflection – Whether through journaling, meditation, or quiet time, give yourself the chance to process at your own pace.
• Be Patient with Yourself – Healing is not linear. Some days will feel heavier than others—give yourself the grace to move through them as they come.

A Meaningful Path Forward

Losing a parent, especially one with whom we had a complicated relationship, brings both grief and reflection. While not every wound can be healed, and not every question will have an answer, there is still meaning to be found in their passing. By stepping beyond personal grievances and seeing parents as full individuals we allow ourselves to grow in understanding rather than remain stuck in resentment. ^[6]

Reconciliation doesn’t mean rewriting history or ignoring pain. It means holding both the challenges and the goodness of their life in balance. It means respecting their journey as we shape our own.

Editor’s Note: Are you or someone you know facing mental health challenges? Visit our mental health network to connect with therapists and find support for improved wellness. For emergencies, visit 988lifeline.org for immediate assistance.