The Benefits of Suffering and the Costs of Well-Being

Rainer Maria Rilke once stated, “Surely, life is right.” This thought-provoking declaration challenges us to reconsider how we perceive human behavior. Instead of hastily categorizing actions as “right” or “wrong,” it invites us to dig deeper and explore the motivations that drive human actions. Every behavior, no matter how perplexing or seemingly destructive, is rooted in an internal logic—serving a purpose, fulfilling a need, or aligning with deeply embedded emotional narratives.

In the realm of therapy and self-discovery, adopting this perspective can be truly transformative. It allows individuals to approach their struggles with greater understanding rather than self-judgment, working-towards promoting healing and personal growth. Recognizing the inherent fittingness of behaviors, however challenging they may be, creates a doorway to empathy, self-compassion, and meaningful change. When we set aside rigid moral judgments and instead seek to understand the intricate reasons behind our actions, we cultivate a space for true insight and progress. ^[1] This shift in perspective does not excuse harmful behaviors but rather provides an essential foundation for developing healthier, more constructive ways of coping with life’s challenges.

The Purpose of Behavior

A well-known Sufi tale illustrates the idea that all perspectives may hold validity. The story of Mulla Nasrudin, who agrees with both the plaintiff and the defendant in a court case, humorously highlights the notion that multiple truths can exist simultaneously. Similarly, renowned hypnotherapist Milton Erickson demonstrated this concept in therapy. When encountering a young schizophrenic patient who believed himself to be Jesus, Erickson engaged with the patient’s self-perception rather than challenging it, leading to constructive engagement through carpentry.

Motivations in Self-Defeating Behavior

Many experiencing chronic pain or self-defeating behaviors struggle to see their deeper purpose. When asked how they need their condition, they often react with frustration or denial, as acknowledging its role can feel unsettling. Yet, beneath the surface, pain can serve as a means of communication, control, or emotional protection. Self-defeating behaviors may reinforce identity, prevent failure, or maintain unconscious ties to the past. ^[2] Cultural norms often dismiss deeper exploration, focusing on symptom relief instead. Recognizing these hidden functions isn’t about justification but creating space for healthier, more adaptive ways to meet emotional and psychological needs.

Secondary Gains: The Hidden Benefits of Suffering

Secondary gains refer to the indirect advantages derived from maintaining a disorder or problem. These include increased attention, avoidance of responsibilities, or validation of a negative self-image. Such benefits are often unconscious, making them difficult for individuals to acknowledge. Recognizing these hidden payoffs can be a crucial step in therapy. Below are some common secondary gains:

• Gaining false power and control over others.
• Avoiding conflict or responsibility.
• Receiving attention or sympathy.
• Justifying self-pity or resentment.
• Reinforcing a personal narrative of victimhood.
• Escaping difficult emotions through illness.
• Demonstrating love, loyalty, and honor to a significant other by taking on their malady.
• Legitimizing blaming, finding fault, or being snobbish.
• Punishing oneself or another to obtain relief from guilt or shame.
• Feeling something when numbness or emptiness dominates.
• Overcompensating and proving oneself strong despite internal doubts.
• Avoiding personal growth and the fear of change.

Secondary Losses: The Costs of Well-Being

Just as suffering can offer hidden advantages, achieving well-being can bring unforeseen challenges. Letting go of unhealthy patterns often means facing new fears, responsibilities, and social consequences. Some common secondary losses include:

• Losing the attention or sympathy of others.
• Facing resentment from those who preferred the old dynamic.
• Releasing comforting justifications for inaction.
• Acknowledging past mistakes and taking responsibility.
• Adapting to unfamiliar, healthier behaviors.
• Confronting unresolved emotions without old coping mechanisms.
• Giving up special privileges tied to illness or dysfunction.
• Tolerating discomfort associated with new, unfamiliar healthy habits.
• Accepting that others may judge personal growth as an act of superiority.
• Losing relationships with those who thrive on shared suffering.
• Recognizing and relinquishing negative thought patterns.
• Letting go of anger, grudges, and victimhood narratives.
• Accepting personal responsibility for one’s own well-being.
• Learning and applying new emotional regulation strategies.
• Facing life’s challenges directly instead of retreating into self-pity.
• Accepting the reality that healing requires effort and persistence.

Awareness and Acceptance in Healing

Recognizing both the benefits of suffering and the costs of well-being allows individuals to make conscious choices about their personal growth. ^[3] Rather than unconsciously resisting change, a person can evaluate the underlying motivations behind their struggles and work toward healthier alternatives. This process requires:

• Honest self-reflection.
• Willingness to confront fears associated with personal growth.
• Understanding that healing is not a linear journey.
• Support from therapists, family, or peers who encourage self-awareness.

Reframing Resistance

Many individuals resist therapy or healing because they fear what they may lose. Instead of viewing this resistance as a sign of failure, it can be reframed as an opportunity to explore underlying fears and concerns. Therapists can support this process by helping clients answer key questions:

• “What do I gain from staying where I am?”
• “What do I fear about getting better?”
• “How can I meet my emotional needs in a healthier way?”

By addressing these concerns with compassion and understanding, individuals can gradually shift their perspective, recognizing that while change may feel daunting, it is also an opportunity for growth. 

Applying These Insights in Therapy

Therapists can use the concepts of secondary gains and losses to help clients uncover hidden motivations and resistance to change. Some effective approaches include:

• Encouraging clients to explore how their difficulties may serve them.
• Discussing the fears associated with improvement.
• Using structured lists to help clients identify their own secondary gains and losses.
• Supporting clients in finding healthier ways to meet their needs.

One particularly useful technique is to have clients read through the lists of secondary gains and losses and mark those that resonate with them. This exercise can prompt insightful discussions that lead to meaningful breakthroughs.

A Balanced Perspective on Healing

Understanding the “rightfulness” of human behavior does not mean excusing harmful actions but rather recognizing the deeper motivations that drive them. By identifying both the hidden benefits of suffering and the potential challenges of well-being, individuals can make more conscious, empowered choices about their personal growth. This awareness allows them to break free from limiting cycles, enhancing resilience and adaptability in the face of life’s complexities.

Therapists, too, can use this perspective to offer more meaningful guidance, helping clients transition toward healthier, more constructive ways of fulfilling their needs. Through self-reflection, increased emotional intelligence, and a willingness to embrace change, individuals can step into a life of greater freedom, authenticity, and fulfillment. ^[4]

Though the journey may be challenging, the rewards of genuine healing and self-discovery far surpass the temporary comforts of familiar struggles. By courageously stepping forward, embracing personal responsibility, and actively shaping a more enriching life, individuals can move beyond the constraints of the past and create a future defined by growth, strength, and lasting well-being.