Tips for Long-Distance Relationships

Being in a relationship where people are separated by a considerable geographical distance offers a distinct set of challenges that may not be experienced by those who live in close proximity. What can couples do to help their relationship thrive when they live in different cities, states, or even different countries?

What Makes a Long-Distance Relationship Worth It?

Choosing to be in a long-distance relationship reflects the love and commitment two individuals have for one another.  It demonstrates sacrifice and commitment in the place of convenience and comfort. Time differences, trust issues, loneliness, and uncertainty about the future, may all need to be considered, yet these matters are often a small investment compared to prematurely ending a relationship. This is particularly true when both partners are connected by a shared vision for their future.

When a separation is temporary, knowing there will be a reunion date can bring comfort to both people. Sharing a long-term goal, such as raising a family together, shifts the focus from the short-term challenge of being apart, to a more meaningful promise of a future together.

In cases where couples are uncertain as to whether or not they will live in close proximity again, the lack of clarity around their potential reunion can add a layer of stress to their situation. Studies have also shown this, stating the effects of a long-distance relationship depend upon the type and duration of the separation, along with the frequency of contact while away. ^[1] In situations where couples have a clear understanding of how long they will be apart, there tends to be less stress about the future.

What Are the Biggest Challenges in Long-Distance Relationships?

When less time is spent in close proximity, people often report challenges surrounding physical intimacy, loneliness, trust, and growing apart.

Physical Intimacy

When distance makes intimacy impossible, people tend to struggle with their physical and sexual desires. While the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” can be true, it also increases the propensity for longing, frustration, and concern over what another person is doing to meet his or her own needs.

Loneliness

Similar to the challenges associated with physical intimacy, issues with loneliness can lead some people to react in unhealthy ways. If emotional maturity has not been developed, people may cope by seeking validation elsewhere.

Trust Issues

Building trust in a relationship goes beyond just words and actions, it also stems from body language. When people are separated from one another, body cues and other subtle messages are harder to read. This in and of itself can decrease trust in relationships. Additionally, researchers have correlated specific attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, to a reduction in trust. ^[2]

Growing Apart

Long distance relationships naturally result in people spending more time with others, which can result in newly formed interests outside of the partnership. While this can be a healthy way for both people to maintain their independence, it can also result in growing apart. 

While these challenges can occur in long-distance relationships, it is important to remember that they do not have to result in a separation.

Finding Common Ground While Miles Apart

In situations where couples experience growing tension and uncertainty, it can be helpful to look for common ground. Reconnecting over shared values and goals, for example, allows couples to assess if they are still in agreement about their relationship. 

At the most fundamental level, common ground can be found by:

• Establishing why both people want to remain in the relationship.
  
• Revisiting shared values and goals to ensure there is still mutual agreement.
  
• Discussing areas of challenge, while looking for compromises.
  

When looking for common ground, it is important to remember that long-distance relationships have unique areas of challenge. It is not so much about avoiding challenges altogether, but instead about a couple’s ability to effectively manage these challenges.

Establishing Boundaries for the Relationship

Boundaries are essential in all relationships, but in the case of long-distance relationships, it is essential to establish them upfront. This helps reduce miscommunication and reactivity. Boundaries that are important to factor in include time boundaries, sexual boundaries, emotional boundaries, and argument boundaries.

Time Boundaries

Time boundaries include how often people will see one another in person, how frequently they will interact, and if there are timeframe expectations when responding to one another. Discussing these considerations helps with financial planning, travel logistics, and scheduling calls.

Sexual Boundaries

Unless a couple is in an open relationship, refraining from physical intimacy with another person is inherently understood. It can also be helpful to discuss boundaries related to flirting and socializing with new people. Healthy sexuality within the context of a relationship naturally involves both people being able to discuss their physical and sexual needs to ensure both people’s needs are met.

Emotional Boundaries

Discussing expectations surrounding emotional intimacy can get overlooked. When a couple finds themselves in a long-distance relationship, new emotions may get triggered. Deciding together what is expected as it relates to emotional needs is essential.

Argument Boundaries

Rather than trying to avoid fighting at all costs, it is healthier to learn how to fight. Deciding what is off limits, such as yelling or blaming, is critical. It is also important to discuss consequences for breaking these agreements, such as ending the conversation until both people are willing to discuss things from a place of respect.

While it may be tempting to seek specific advice for long-distance relationships, the reality is most couples simply need to focus on setting a solid foundation for their time apart. Taking the time to discuss time boundaries, sexual boundaries, emotional boundaries, and argument boundaries can set the stage for the relationship to keep moving in a healthy direction.

Tips for Communicating in a Long-Distance Relationship

People who communicate openly are better equipped to handle miscommunication and are less likely to unconsciously project their fears onto one another. This becomes especially important when a couple is apart from each other  because they can no longer read the body language of their partner. 

In order to increase the likelihood for positive communication to continue, it is helpful to implement a few basic tenets of good communication, such as:

• Putting away distractions when talking and focusing solely on one another.
  
• Taking accountability for tone of voice.
  
• Listening for the message underneath the content of what someone says, instead of listening and responding in a superficial manner.

These simple steps can drastically improve communication, which is essential to the well-being of both people. It has been proven that if just one person within a relationship has poor communication, it impacts the relationship satisfaction and happiness levels of all involved. ^[3]  

Tips for Tackling Arguments

In circumstances where an argument seems inevitable, choosing to see one another as teammates against the issue at hand is often fruitful. This creates an alliance and a chance to mature in the face of conflict. Working collaboratively also helps mitigate unhealthy response patterns and the need to be right. ^[4]

When tackling arguments, the most important elements to consider include the mode of communication, avoiding accusations, and speaking honestly.

Mode of Communication

Arguing over text is not going to be beneficial. If at all possible, pause the conversation until both people can get on a call or video chat to avoid miscommunication. If it is not something that should be spoken, it is not something that should be written.

Avoiding Accusations

Jumping to the worst case scenario is often based on assumptions. Rather than starting a conversation with an accusation, ask questions. While it may take time to find clarity about the situation at hand, lashing out will only shut the other person down and make them more defensive. 

Speak Honestly

Most people self-identify as honest, yet truly being direct can be difficult. Fear of angering or disappointing a romantic partner can create white lies that ultimately damage the relationship and erode trust. Asking for enough time to think through how to best approach a hard conversation can create a better outcome for everyone.

Tips for Managing Stress in a Long-Distance Relationship

In relationships, one partner is usually more skilled at effectively handling stressful situations. They usually take on a “fix it” role, providing solutions and a sense of comfort for their partner. When there is a long time period before a couple will be together again, this can heighten stress levels and increase tension. ^[5]

Examining whether or not there are unmet expectations, openly discussing where the commitment is headed, and working through unresolved fears are important to consider when it comes to managing emotions in a relationship. By addressing these concerns, couples can reduce, and potentially even mitigate stress within the dynamic.

Other helpful tips for stress management include:

• Engaging in daily movement
  
• Starting a regular meditation practice
  
• Spending time in nature
  
• Participating in activities that cultivate a sense of joy and excitement

These simple tips can help alleviate stress and promote well-being, while also playing a pivotal role in supporting healthier, more fulfilling relationships- especially when distance is a factor.

It is clear that long-distance relationships  may not always be easy, but it can be synonymous with success. Through a shared vision for the future, open communication, and a willingness to put in the effort to maintain mutually agreed upon boundaries, many couples have found they can thrive despite their geographical distance.