Running Away From Conflict

Have you ever felt a powerful urge to leave the room the moment a disagreement begins to heat up? If the thought of confrontation makes you want to find the nearest exit, know that you are far from alone. Many of us experience a strong aversion to conflict, preferring to avoid it at all costs rather than face the discomfort head-on. This reaction is not only common but also deeply human, reflecting a natural desire to protect ourselves from emotional distress.

What is Conflict Avoidance?

Conflict avoidance is the tendency to withdraw from disagreements rather than address them directly. While this response may feel like self-preservation, it often leads to unresolved tension, frustration, and emotional distance in relationships. Avoiding conflict does not make issues disappear, it merely pushes them beneath the surface, where they can grow into deeper resentments over time. ^[1]

In relationships, avoidance can create a pattern where important conversations are delayed or dismissed, leaving both partners feeling unheard and disconnected. When differences are not discussed, misunderstandings multiply, and the foundation of trust can weaken. Without open dialogue, couples may drift apart, mistaking the absence of arguments for harmony, when in reality, it is a silence filled with unspoken concerns. ^[2]

The Signs of Avoidance

Do you immediately want to run away when your partner disagrees with you or makes a complaint? Do you feel like nothing ever gets resolved between you and your spouse? If so, you are not alone. Many people struggle with conflict and will avoid disagreements at all costs.

Some common behaviors that indicate conflict avoidance include:

• Shutting down emotionally during difficult conversations.
• Changing the subject when disagreements arise.
• Leaving the room or physically distancing oneself.
• Agreeing in the moment but acting differently later.
• Using dismissive phrases such as “I refuse to talk about this”.

Discomfort for Growth

Discomfort in conflict is not a sign of failure but an opportunity for transformation. Avoiding difficult conversations may provide temporary relief, but true connection comes from facing challenges together. Leaning into discomfort with patience and a willingness to listen leads to understanding and emotional resilience. When both partners commit to constructive dialogue, they create a foundation of trust that strengthens their bond, making future conflicts easier to navigate with empathy and clarity. ^[3]

Conflict Avoidance on Relationships

Conflict avoidance can create significant barriers in relationships, preventing open communication and emotional connection. When one or both partners habitually withdraw from disagreements, important issues remain unresolved, leading to frustration, resentment, and emotional distance. Avoidance does not eliminate conflict; it merely postpones it, often allowing underlying tensions to grow stronger over time.

A pattern of avoidance can make one partner feel unheard and dismissed, while the other may experience anxiety or stress at the thought of engaging in difficult conversations. Over time, this dynamic can erode trust and intimacy, making it harder for couples to work through challenges together. Without addressing disagreements, misunderstandings multiply, and small grievances can escalate into deeper discontent. ^[4]

Decoding the Desire to Withdraw

Understanding the impulse to step back from conflict requires exploring the psychological foundations that underlie this tendency. This inclination, while common, is deeply woven into our psychological makeup, influenced by factors ranging from early childhood experiences to innate personality traits. It’s a complex interplay of learned behaviors and emotional responses that dictate how we handle confrontation.

The field of psychology provides clear insights into the variance in individuals’ responses to conflict. Not everyone faces disagreements with the same strategy; while some might confront issues head-on, others perceive them as threats, leading to a flight response. Studies on conflict styles and personality types validate that reactions to conflict are deeply personal and embeded in one’s psychological profile. ^[5]

Attachment Styles and Conflict Response

Attachment theory offers another compelling perspective. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s work suggests that early bonds with caregivers shape how individuals approach relationships and conflicts later in life. Those with secure attachment styles tend to face conflicts with a sense of security and openness, believing in their ability to resolve disputes through communication. Conversely, individuals with avoidant or anxious attachment styles may find conflicts more challenging, leading to withdrawal or heightened emotional turmoil. ^[6]

Here are some suggestions for spouses who want to support their partner in staying engaged during disagreements:

• Start any complaint or relationship discussion in a soft way. A gentle approach increases the likelihood that your partner will remain engaged. Some examples include:
  • “I really like it when … (we work together on house chores, you pick up after yourself, you let me know when you’ll be late), and I wish we/you could do that more often.”
  • “I love you and I am not sure how to say this in a nice way, but it’s important for me to tell you how I feel about this decision.”
  • “I feel differently about this issue, and yet, I am sure if we keep talking, we can find a solution that works for both of us. Here are my ideas.”
• If you notice your partner getting overwhelmed, offer a time-out in a friendly way. Instead of pointing out that they “can’t handle” the discussion, say something like: “I know this is a tough conversation, and maybe we should take a break and think about it. Can we talk again after dinner?”
• Choose a neutral time for difficult discussions. Avoid discussing sensitive topics during high-stress moments, such as right after work, when your partner is busy, or late at night. Conversations are more productive when both partners are in a good headspace.
• Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Trust in your relationship and keep that in mind during difficult discussions.
• Respect your partner’s perspective. Most people are not deliberately trying to hurt their partner. Even if they don’t express themselves lovingly, they are likely advocating for their own needs. Consider their viewpoint along with your own and strive for mutual understanding.

Turning Conflict into Growth

Conflict avoidance is a deeply ingrained habit for many people, but it is not an unchangeable trait. By understanding the reasons behind this response and learning new communication strategies, individuals and couples can build healthier, more open relationships that foster growth and deeper connections.

The journey towards healthier conflict management requires patience, practice, and compassion for oneself and one’s partner. Each step toward better communication, no matter how small, contributes to a more fulfilling and emotionally secure relationship. By embracing a willingness to engage in difficult conversations with honesty and kindness, you can transform conflict from something to fear into an opportunity for connection and resolution.