Leaving Abuse and Finding Healing

Reading through people’s stories about domestic abuse can be deeply moving. Many describe painful experiences that are hard to imagine, while others share moments of hope and recovery. What stands out most is how differently people respond to similar challenges. Some find ways to leave an abusive relationships, while others feel unable to move forward.

To frame the broader picture, in the United States, more than one in three women and one in four men have experienced rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime ^[1].

There are many reasons why someone may not be able to leave an abusive relationship right away. Financial limits, lack of safety, or concern for children can all make it difficult or even dangerous to leave.

At the same time, some people remain because they believe they have no other choice, even when options might exist. Economic dependence is also major barrier. When someone relies on an abuser for financial support, housing, or childcare, leaving can feel impossible.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), one in five homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner, which highlights how dangerous it can be to try to leave without a safe plan ^[2]. Research also shows that limited access to social support, fear of retaliation, and systemic barriers such as housing insecurity and income inequality further trap many survivors in cycles of abuse ^[3].

A key part of healing from abuse involves changing how one sees themselves. The way people understand their experiences and their sense of worth plays a central role in mental health recovery. The following stages describe how that change may happen for some survivors.

Stage 1: Recognizing That Abuse Is Happening

For many, the first step is realizing that what they are experiencing is actually abuse. This awareness can be confusing, especially when someone has been told repeatedly that they are to blame.

It is not uncommon for victims to believe they somehow deserve mistreatment, thinking that being hit, insulted, or controlled is a justified response to something they did. But abuse is never acceptable. No one deserves to be hurt or degraded.

This stage is about gaining clarity and understanding that harmful behavior is not normal or deserved. It is the moment when a person begins to see themselves as someone who has been wronged rather than as someone at fault.

Research shows that many survivors hesitate to label their experiences as abuse because harmful behavior can become normalized over time. Emotional and psychological manipulation often occur before or alongside physical violence.

Worldwide, about 30 percent of women have experienced physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner or by a non-partner sexual attacker ^[4]. Nearly half of all women and men in the United States report psychological aggression by an intimate partner at some point in their lives ^[5].

Recognizing abuse also means confronting personal beliefs. When someone accepts that they are not to blame and that the mistreatment is not a justified punishment, the groundwork for change is laid. At this stage, a person may begin to see themselves as a victim, not in a weak sense, but as someone who has been genuinely harmed and deserves care and safety.

Stage 2: Feeling Anger and Choosing to Leave

Once someone understands that what is happening is unfair, powerful emotions can surface. Anger, sadness, fear, and frustration are all common.

Anger can be healthy when it helps a person take protective action. It can create the energy needed to plan an escape, reach out for help, or set firm boundaries. However, acting on anger impulsively, such as confronting an abuser directly, can increase danger. It is safer to use anger as a signal that something needs to change rather than as a weapon.

Leaving an abusive partner is rarely simple. It may require help from friends, shelters, or legal services. Using anger as motivation to seek safety can be an important step toward reclaiming one’s sense of self.

The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS) shows that millions of Americans experience sexual violence, stalking, and physical abuse from an intimate partner each year ^[2]. These numbers reflect not only how widespread abuse is but also how much emotional and physical recovery is required after leaving.

When people shift from self-blame to self-protection, they begin to break the cycle of abuse. Anger becomes a form of empowerment, a sign that their sense of fairness and justice is awakening. This anger can drive change by pushing survivors to reach out for help, create safety plans, or take legal action.

Still, anger must be handled carefully. If directed toward retaliation, it can actually increase danger. Research shows that the time around leaving is one of the most dangerous periods for victims. Many homicides related to domestic violence occur when a survivor attempts to end the relationship ^[6]. For this reason, anger should be channeled into strategy and safety rather than confrontation.

Stage 3: Releasing Anger and Reclaiming Life

Once a person is safe, another challenge begins: learning to release the anger that once helped them survive.

Recognizing oneself as a victim is an important part of safety, but holding on to that identity can keep emotional wounds from closing. It is natural to feel angry about being harmed, but staying in that emotional space for years can prevent healing.

Recovery involves finding peace with what cannot be changed. This does not mean excusing abuse or forgetting what happened. It means focusing energy on healing and growth instead of pain. Some survivors find comfort in the idea that living well is the best revenge. Others find that forgiveness, when possible, can help release emotional pain. Forgiveness is not about approving what happened but about freeing oneself from its weight.

Abuse leaves lasting marks, both physical and emotional. Globally, one in three women who have been in a relationship report physical or sexual violence from a partner ^[4]. These scars, both visible and invisible, can take years to heal.

Forgiveness and letting go of anger is about reclaiming the energy that once went into pain and turning it toward life. Many survivors find strength through therapy, support groups, and trauma-informed care. These approaches help people rebuild confidence, reestablish trust, and reconnect with others.

Psychological abuse alone can lead to serious trauma. Studies show that seven in ten women who experience emotional abuse display symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) ^[5]. Treating emotional wounds with professional care is just as essential as healing physical injuries.

As survivors release anger, they often shift focus from the past to the future. The question changes from “Why did this happen to me?” to “What can I build now?” This change does not erase the past, but it transforms the meaning of the experience. What was once a story of survival becomes one of renewal.

Moving Toward Healing

Nearly half of adults experience psychological aggression, and one in three women worldwide faces physical or sexual violence from a partner. Yet, many go on to rebuild lives marked by emotional resilience, peace, and self-respect ^[4].

Leaving abuse is not the end of the story, it’s the beginning of a new chapter. After finding safety comes the deeper work of rebuilding life with dignity, purpose, and stability. Learning to regulate emotions, set boundaries, and create healthy relationships are all part of this ongoing process.

Healing from abuse means reclaiming the right to safety and happiness. The journey can be long, but every step toward balance and peace matters.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, you are not alone. Help is available through the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or at TheHotline.org. Each step toward safety and recovery matters, and every act of self-care is a declaration of worth.