AA Is To Shame As A Hot Knife Is To Butter

Specifically – the one person was saying to the other that “If you’re going to IOP for alcoholism, you can expect one thing… indoctrination into Alcoholics Anonymous“.

The writer went on to describe her negative experience with a substance abuse IOP program:

“I’ve been to both types of treatments, and they are worlds apart. The psych units will try to empower you.. “you have the right to say “no” and make your own decisions”.. the chemical dependency unit will tell you you are filth and never had a decent thought in your life and are a devious person”.

As a Clinical Psychologist who used to work on an IOP and Partial Hospital dual-diagnosis unit with alcoholics and drug abusers with coexisting mental disorders, I had a reaction to this posting.

What is Alcoholics Anonymous?

For those of you who don’t know – AA is a fellowship of alcoholics who come together regularly for the purpose of helping themselves and other alcoholics who desire help to stop drinking.

• AA is a volunteer organization that exists to heal and serve those struggling with alcohol addiction free of charge.
• As I understand AA’s organization, they are completely self-funded – existing off internal donations and not seeking monies from external organizations.
• They insist on anonymity within their meetings.
  • An effect of this and similar policies is that people’s social status tends to fall away at an AA meeting. An AA meeting is a place where normally unequal people (in terms of wealth, status, etc.) are more equal.

Think about these phrases for a minute. Consider with me how powerful they are. And how paradoxical. The first three steps of AA are saying in no uncertain terms that the way to restore control is through submission to a “higher power”: God as we understand him. A lot of people get hung up on the part about God and never come back. That is a shame because although AA is spiritually based and was founded by religious men the message of AA that makes it powerful is not essentially a religious one.

Understanding Alcoholism

Another way to get at what AA is saying is that – if we want to stop drinking – we must trade in a dysfunctional and shame-producing way of thinking about our alcoholism for one that is less conducive to shame. We have to fundamentally change the way we understand our alcoholism and ourselves.

The problem of control

Insofar as things exist in the world that can be manipulated (like tables and chairs and cars and money) this way of thinking about things works well enough. Where we get into trouble is when we start trying to control, manipulate or dominate our feelings and hungers as though they were objects like tables, chairs, cars, and money.

• In short–we get into trouble when we start applying our notions of control that work perfectly well for actual objects like tables and money to ourselves–to our feelings–which are NOT objects and which CANNOT be controlled in the manner that objects can be controlled.
• It simply does not work to try and dominate, control and manipulate our feelings in the way we would control a table or chairs.

Shame

This is where shame enters the picture.

In the case of the person struggling with alcoholism the standard is some variation on the theme of “I’m able to maintain control over my drinking”.

• The individual struggling with alcoholism typically wants and desires very much to remain in control–his or her whole sense of self-esteem is often bound up with this struggle. And yet–for the alcoholic–loss of control over drinking is inevitable–it is simply not reasonable or accurate for an alcoholic to believe that he or she can control his or her drinking.
• When this failure to maintain control does occur, it becomes evidence (in the mind of the alcoholic person) of the lack of worth of the alcoholic person.
• And when you are an alcoholic, there is always one good way to feel less like a worthless person and that is to take another drink. and so on. The vicious circle continues.

• When an alcoholic finally gets it that he or she simply cannot expect to drink in a controlled way (just as he or she cannot expect to flap his or her arms and fly) then the expectation of being able to remain in control is also dropped.
• When the expectation of being able to control ones’ self is dropped there is less of an occasion for shame when uncontrolled drinking does occur. There becomes possible a greater openness to alternative ways to stay sober besides willpower.
• Stripped of associated shame, an analysis of the event of a relapse to alcohol can now point the way to doing things in a different, safer way in the future. You may not be able to stop drinking – but you can avoid it in the first place!

Submission

It is through a shift in thinking that freedom from addiction becomes possible. This ‘freedom’ can be articulated in different ways, like:

• Submission to a higher power.
• Acceptance of reality as it is (you are not able to control your drinking) and not how you want it to be.
• Acceptance of social responsibility.

When you really understand that you are not able to beat back your hungers by willpower alone you can then begin to master your hungers through other more effective means that help you to not get so hungry in the first place – such as:

• Committing to no-compromises sobriety.
• Seeking social support, avoiding alcohol, bars, drinking ‘friends’, etc., and
• Finding self-worth in your recognition of the higher purpose of fellowship. AA has all sorts of practical advice on this theme.

Discipline

A person is trapped within addiction and most of the time has no idea how to get out of the trap. The ways out of addiction necessarily involve far-reaching psychological and lifestyle changes. To implement these changes the addict needs to find discipline as well as endurance, acceptance, and structure. It is just plain hard to do this sort of work consistently without first making the fundamental shifts in thinking and feeling discussed above.

AA facilitates these shifts in thinking away from control and domination and towards acceptance of limitations and inter-dependence by making it the central and crucial point of their program.

Some Cool Things To Know About AA:

• AA is free.
• AA is available near your home. Maybe even within walking distance!
• AA is available every day – several times per day in most cities.
• AA wants to support you and sponsor you.
• AA will be there for you if you are there for AA.
• AA sponsors have been there and know exactly where you are at.
• AA works for many people (if you give it half a chance and don’t fight it too much).
• AA points to the way out of a life of shame by insisting that you accept yourself in increasingly deeper ways.

Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.