Can our relationship survive his toxic mother?

I met my boyfriend just over two years ago and our relationship has mostly been good, except for his mother, who is truly destroying both his mental health and our relationship.

About six months into dating, I realized there was a serious issue. He was constantly mediating his parents’ fights and often had to drop everything to go to their house. Once there, his mother would stop fighting with his father and start taking it out on him. These episodes could last for days because she has no respect for personal boundaries.

When he bought his first home, she loaned him a large amount of money for the down payment, then used it to control him. She would threaten to take the condo away unless he did exactly what she wanted but when he tried to pay back the loan, she refused. She is verbally abusive and constantly tells him he is a terrible son. She accuses him of not loving her, criticizes his appearance, and tears down his self-esteem.

Originally these fights were happening every month but then everything got worse. His dad passed away suddenly and his sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer. After that, his mother spiraled. She began openly hating me, calling me names behind my back and became even more needy and controlling. She now visits weekly and stays for two days without asking. If we try to say it is not a good time, she becomes furious and verbally abusive. This behavior existed before her husband died, but the tragedies have made it more extreme.

She has no close friends, and her daughter lives in another country. She expects her son to act as a replacement partner, and if he resists, she explodes. She convinced him to let her pay off the mortgage so he could repay her monthly, giving her more control. Eventually, she demanded that he sign the condo over to her because he refused to break up with me, and he did. Now she owns the condo and makes him pay high rent. She gave him three hundred fifty thousand dollars, insisted he take it, and the condo is worth around five hundred thousand. He invested his own money into renovations and paid the mortgage for years, but still gave her the deed. Then she removed him from her will.

Despite all this, the dynamic has not changed and she still controls him. Whenever he does not do what she wants, she calls his dying sister and gets her involved. It can be over something as simple as not inviting her to dinner. Now his sister does not speak to him and believes he is being a bad son, even though he does everything he can.

Last November, I had a routine surgery that became more serious than expected. I had originally asked him to care for me during recovery, but he had just started a new job. I made arrangements with my mom to stay at her place two hours away. My doctor said I had to remain nearby for four days post-surgery. So my mom and I stayed at his place for one night. The next morning, he asked us to leave because he was afraid to tell his mother she could not visit. I was crushed. It was the first time I really needed him, and he chose to avoid conflict with her instead.

I almost ended things then, but something held me back. A few months later, we had a huge fight with his mother. She had insisted on coming over on a weekend she knew I would be there. We argued about it, but decided to make the best of it, and I even offered to cook her dinner. I asked him to invite her at four in the afternoon so we could prepare. She showed up at one, crying and yelling that she should not be told when to come. I finally lost my patience. I told her that no loving mother treats her child this way, especially when she relies on him for everything.

My boyfriend now suffers from severe anxiety, skin issues, and growing paranoia. He is afraid she will show up at his home or work. She has a key to his place. He worries people are talking about him behind his back or that security guards are watching him and reporting to his boss. His fears are becoming irrational and the stress has worn me down. There is never enough time to recover between episodes, one weekend ends and another crisis begins.

He constantly talks about not wanting to live and says he cannot take her behavior anymore but he still refuses to set firm boundaries. He calls it his curse and believes he deserves it because she helped him financially. Even though he gave it all back, he still feels he owes her everything.

He has finally agreed to see a therapist. I want to support him, but I am exhausted. I cry all the time and feel constantly angry. I cannot stop thinking about how toxic she is. I am also angry at him for allowing her to control his life. She manipulates him completely. He once even answered her call during sex. I feel second to her and I cannot hide my frustration anymore.

I want to treat him with love and kindness, but I feel so hurt. I expect to be his number one, just like he is mine. I am trying to figure out if he can really be a long-term partner. Can we work through this? How do I support him without falling apart myself? Am I wrong to be this angry?

There is so much more I could say. Honestly, I could write a book.